Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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lol
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[eulogy]
line?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango