GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.