Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean