My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]