True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.