Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.