i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
boat question
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.