every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
i wish we could shoplift online
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*