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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.