“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Buck naked
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.