If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Home #decor warning.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?