Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?