Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.