DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!