If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite