[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
you stereotypes are all alike
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
that’s really how it is
SF is the wild wild west man
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.