As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
never ask a starfish for directions
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.