Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.