Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin