Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Breaking news:
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN