If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.