I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
monday
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.