[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.