I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Our lord and savoury.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*