INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
welp
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back