A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Whisper out to librarians!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.