Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.