Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I see your IQ test came back negative
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.