Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.