True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.