🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You Might Also Like
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
😂😂
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.