Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.