My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
#Caturday
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”