The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.