Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.