My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
dutch so unserious
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.