I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece