Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Sniffing the broccoli
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years