Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I think this should do it.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”