If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
You Might Also Like
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
True
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.