People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
You Might Also Like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
2022 be like
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*