“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth