Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You Might Also Like
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Got ya covered
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
🤣😂
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.