Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.