we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”