[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
time for some seasonal decor
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over