There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.