A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The devil.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?