WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My patience has stretch marks.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas