Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
You are not alone 💚
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.